The Good Column | "I am loud, therefore I am"

They are everywhere. They are in the majority. And there is no getting rid of them for the time being. They gather in groups and speak in loud voices. To emphasize what they say or mean, they increase the volume. Even when what they say and mean is completely irrelevant (which is almost always the case). They know no other means when it comes to communicating verbally. Apparently they can neither be alone nor silent. At least not for longer than three minutes. That would be asking too much. Exactly: we are talking about men, the kind of person who greatly overestimates their importance, never questions themselves and is right even when they are not.

Everything men say to each other in everyday life sounds like showing off, as if they were trying to outdo the other person: me, me, me; you have to know, I'm telling you, listen, I know my way around, I must know, you wouldn't believe it; my car, my new tablet, my football club, my share portfolio, my girlfriend; my engine is louder than yours, my smartphone display is bigger than yours, my penis too. They view everything, including other people, as a kind of extension, expansion, or appendage of themselves. Many keep a dog or another person so they can give them orders. They stand with their legs apart and make domineering gestures. They take themselves disproportionately seriously. They are brimming with pride in their own wretchedness, which they mistake for their individuality.

They tell bad jokes and laugh too loudly and at the wrong things. An aggressive, all-consuming bulldozer laugh. When they've told a bad joke, they expect validation from other men, who also have no sense of humor and therefore consider the joke just as good as the bad one they're about to tell.

In public baths, they audibly draw their nasal mucus into their throats, mix it with their saliva, and then noisily spit the gelatinous mass down the shower drain. The resulting sounds are unpleasant. They are intensely fixated on their genitals, which dangle from their midsection, and to which they attach excessive importance.

They constantly feel compelled to do things they consider men's things: bungee jumping and whitewater rafting; dancing naked around a fire; riding a horse bare-chested; attacking, humiliating, and beating those weaker than themselves. Conquering, controlling, and handling phallic objects and items often plays a significant role (climbing mountains and towers, climbing trees, canoeing, firing a cannon, inserting genitals into orifices).

If they are welded together into a collective, which is the usual case due to their tendency to form packs (football stadium/concert hall/beer tent etc.), the expressions of life are usually reduced to the essentials: alcohol consumption, yelling, clenching fists, jumping up and down, scratching their own genitals, urinating, spitting out blobs of mucus and saliva.

In addition to the glorification of strength, size, and speed, it seems, based on all we know, that loudness still exerts a particular fascination. Men are primarily interested in drawing attention to their presence and signaling their readiness to mate, which is why they not only loudly refer to themselves at every opportunity, but also surround themselves with or carry things that make noise: a cell phone on loud, a boombox, a motorcycle, a monster truck. "I am loud, therefore I am." In this way, men reassure themselves of their existence.

However, a new problem has recently emerged: electric cars produce only limited noise while driving. However, the market economy has now remedied this problem by developing generators – so-called sound boosters – that produce synthetic engine sounds. According to the manufacturer, this "simulates a large-displacement engine" or generates a "significantly enhanced engine and exhaust sound," so that even the electric car driver doesn't have to forgo an erection when their vehicle gets going. The "powerful, rich" rattling sound, which satisfies any true motor enthusiast, is also available in stereo: "In addition to the sound generator in the front, another sound generator is installed in the rear. This gives the vehicle the additional sound of a sporty exhaust system."

I am not sure whether, in a better future, there should not be tutoring classes for men to teach them the minimum standards of civilized behavior.

What is certain, however, is that a famous Blaise Pascal quote still contains the absolute truth even if it is slightly altered: "All the misfortune of mankind stems solely from the fact that men cannot remain quietly in a room."

They view everything, including other people, as a kind of extension, expansion, or appendage of themselves.

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